Grandma Pearl

One thing I didn't consider when craving my first baby, was that perhaps someday, there would come a time I would need to be ready to explain a place like heaven, and an experience like death to my little boy.

Cameron & I have mentioned heaven a time or 4 to Caden, however, because Caden was young and seemed the least bit interested- we didn't go too far with the conversation. 

Every year on July 13th, we send up balloons to the sky for Cameron's dad. We always sit down together while we write/color on our balloons, and tell Caden about his Grandpa. Caden loves hearing the stories, and even though those are so fun to share with him, for the past 2 years he has asked why Grandpa hasn't come back. 

That's when it gets a little more serious, and Cameron cries a little. It's always an emotional night. But listening to Cameron explain to his little boy things that are difficult to talk about, yet does it so effortlessly and with such patience, is so heartwarming. 

I got a call from my sister Thursday (Carls anniversary)  saying something along the lines of,

"Grandma Rogerson has cancer and she is ready to go. We can go over tomorrow."

I immediately asked a sweet friend if she'd be willing to take Caden for a couple of hours. I didn't think it was appropriate for Caden to be there, assuming Grandma wasn't even awake.

The next morning, I learned this had been going on with Grandma for longer than I assumed. Which led me to believe she must have been in bed, not awake, non coherent, and wouldn't know who I was if she was awake. So I cancelled with my friend. I wasn't ready to see her like that. With very little time to prepare my heart-  I was uncomfortable and wanted to stay home.

Beth text me that night,

"She does not look like you think. Come see her."

I immediately got in the car and drove over to Grandmas. And I brought Caden. On the ride there, I turned the music off and I shared with Caden the behavior and respect that I expected. I helped him understand that we were going to say goodbye to Grandma before she goes to heaven. I explained that when this happens, we need to use calm, quiet voices and and be respectful. 

                Pulling up to the brick home I remember vividly from my childhood, I was overcome with feelings of tranquility. I felt home.

I held Caden's hand so tight as we walked towards the house- I must've been silent all the way to her front door, however, my mind was exploring. I remembered the time all of us slept over one weekend (what a feat for my Great Grandparents- the Jones kids weren't easy. Ask anyone from the Roy 1st Ward), the time grandma made us ice cream cones filled with cake, chocolate frosting, crushed Oreos and gummy worms sticking out. It was the greatest post-punishment snack of my life.

I remembered the time Laura was little and went to use the bathroom. She turned on the light and there were her precious Grandpa's teeth sitting on the counter. Her fear running out of there was petrifying as a little kid- but looking back, one of our favorite memories!

              I just needed Caden emotionally more than anything. It was like I couldn't go without him next to me. Uncomfortable moments are far more bearable when my Cady is with me.. 

Beth was right. Grandma was awake and just laying down on the couch. She was talking, said a few funnies, we watched her hug her grandkids so tight as they headed home one by one. There were a handful of moments she had everyone laughing.

We were there early afternoon and headed home around 8pm. My sisters all stayed together with her and other family, and were there when she passed.

She passed just after 10pm.

Death isn't the end. And boy do I hate when people say that. But truly, it isn't the end. 

When the death is expected and is at home, it is such a full experience for those in the home. This kind of transition from earth to heaven is so very sacred, I can't figure out the right words to even describe the feeling in the home. But it is so lovely, aside from the reality of what's actually happening.

Isaiah 55:12

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills will burst into song for you,

and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

Grandma heard this scripture at church, and rushed to the woman who read it. She asked where she found the scripture and when the lady told her, Grandma said,

"That is how I want to go."

The same lady spoke at the funeral, and shared so many sweet memories. 

The day of her funeral, we got this amazing sunset 

I am so grateful. I am grateful I was her Great Granddaughter, that she didn't miss a single birthday of mine or any of my siblings. I am grateful she let the most rambunctious kids in the entire family play every Saturday while dad tinkered in the shop with Grandpa.

I am grateful to remember her example that never failed. She was the one you could always count on when she said she would be there. She always was.

I am also grateful that at a time where I truly hated every bit of my physical self after having Caden, my dad asked me to stand in for my very first 5 generation photo at the annual Christmas Party. I did it, because in the back of my mind I knew id regret it if I didn't get the chance the following year. 

That Christmas, my dad drove an hour to deliver my first Christmas gift as a mother.

A 5 generation photo, framed and wrapped.

It meant so much to me and after seeing what that meant to my dad, and I never again hesitated at the Christmas party. Below are the fun pictures. The 3 missing years are on my desktop...which I am not, so I'll edit later. 

December 2012

December 2016

BrynLeigh's10th birthday party. Oct 2014
Grandma Lucy, Cam, me, Caden, and Grandma Pearl