I will wait

Writing doesn't always become difficult for me. In fact, I can usually start it up, and be finished the same night. There is just something different with this one. I'm not sure if it's because I am still a partial basket case. Maybe it's because I never expected to write about a baby my family had to say goodbye to. Or maybe it's because I want this post to be less traumatic as I type, and more comforting when it's time to look back. 

Either way, it's been hard.

I have quite a few drafted thoughts in here. Some were written in anger, where I questioned why my family. One was written solely for my brother.  Another is hour by hour what happened that day. There are certain things I felt and I never want to lose those feelings. So a drafted them. That's what a journal is for. 

For me, the hardest part as I move on and find my happy again, is flashbacks. There are certain things, every day household items I avoid. I think so much of this has stemmed from going to the viewing so early, because I wanted my brother & Keisha to have nice, crisp, clean photos. I did take some beautiful ones, and as I took them, I had people coming to give me unsolicited advice on getting certain pictures. 

I chose things I would personally want to remember. Her hair. The details of her dress. The greenstone she held, and surrounding beauty- like the flower arrangements and Michaels table. 

She was absolutely gorgeous. 

In the weeks following her funeral, I began having nightmares. The first one was painful, and so real. I can still think back to it, and tell just about every detail. The next day I barely spoke. I did dishes, I'd open the fridge, pantry, fold laundry, etc and just stare. I'd freeze and forget what I was even doing.  I'd forget who I was, but I remembered the dream. 

So I called my mom. She wasn't her happy, ready to talk self for a long time. But when I called, she was having a good day. I told her my dream, and told her how scared it made me. 

I remember explaining why I felt that dream kept coming, and I told her I shouldn't have taken those photos. As beautiful as the are, I should've let someone else take that on.  Because my reality was that those photos would be on my camera, on my computer, and stuck in my mind. They were what I saw in my mind every night as I tried to fall asleep, therefore- causing nightmares.

I did choose to keep them, just so that when Michael and Keisha are ready to have them, they are here.

Losing a family member is always hard. I don't recall a time it was easy. There is just a different feeling when it involves a child, and that, I unfortunately know for certain.

As much as I want to move forward with my life, I almost feel guilty for moving ahead when I know my brother would be left wallowing in his own sorrow. So I'll wait for him. I'll wait for Keisha. My sisters. Andrew. Mom and dad. Everyone.

When Cameron talks about work, sometimes he will say the phrase, "You are only as strong as your weakest player."
I have thought about that many times in the last month. Although, in this instance, I prefer a more comforting word than "weakest".

Whatever it may be, whenever it may be, I will wait.