Searching For Peace

I am going to do my best here to jot down some thoughts. I am not certain what kind of placement I want for this entry, as I am feeling more emotion than I have in my entire life. Combined.

I got a call from my brother a few days ago. It was a call I doubt will ever slip from my memory, as it was one that would weigh on my heart. So heavily, there is still a mark left behind.

As soon as I woke up, as I always do, I unplugged my phone from the charger, and the screen turned on. 

6 missed calls

Beth

Mom

Mom

Mom

Beth

Andrew

1 voicemail

Mom 7:37am

Text message after text message. Groups, personal. 

"CARRIE!"

"YOU GUYS NEED TO WAKE UP!"

"CALL ME"

No, those weren't the exact messages, but close. I'm not about to search for them because I'd have to see the hardest ones in my search. I can't do that today.

First, I called back my mom. I didn't even listen to the voicemail. I remember thinking if something happened to dad, I am not letting myself hear it in a voice message. I literally thought it was my dad, and panic consumed me. 

I called Beth back. By this time, it was moments after 7:45am.

She said something happened to Zayley, but she had no idea what was wrong either. Last she knew, my mom was out looking for my dad so they could drive an hour down to Ogden. So we waited. 

Michael was calling, so I quickly told her I'd call her back after I talked to him.

Michael's call:
"Carrie?"....silence...
"Are you sitting down?"

Instantly, my heart dropped to the floor. I told him no. I knew what he was about to say, and I wanted to delay that reality as long as I possibly could.

"Well, you're gonna want to sit down."

Sitting in my backyard, staring at the grass, I hesitated, but said,
"Okay, I'm sitting down."

"Carrie"....silence again.
"Zayley's gone."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He briefed me on what happened, but it was very short. He asked me to call the rest of my family. I remember the how monotone his voice was. He sounded  exhausted. His mind, body, spirit. There wasn't much personality there. It was terrible. 

I called Beth right back, and when she answered, I realized at that moment I was about to break her heart, Annie's, Laura, Andrew, everyone. It's like it just hit me, I am going to have to bear to hear everyones first reaction right into my ear. And somehow continue holding my phone.

I sat for a second and she barely understood me through the tears. We cried, I was shaking uncontrollably.  I finally collected myself enough to speak properly.

I said,

"Noo Noo? 

Michael text me last night to ask if the kids could sleep over. 

I told him no.

I should've said yes.

I can't believe this is fucking happening right now."

I cried harder that instant, than I believe I have in all of my life.  

I hung up on her because I couldn't breathe. I couldn't understand the cruel reality I woke up to that morning, and I understand God is wonderful. He is so powerful, and has mapped each and every one of us a course already. This was already going to happen, but today? I am angry. I feel angry at God, I feel angry at myself. I hope eventually my heart can heal, but as of today, I don't see it. 

Suddenly I was consumed with what-ifs. 

Naturally. 

I sat outside and attempted to breathe in the crisp, dewy, morning air.

I had a lot of calls to make, and I needed to get them done.

There were so many calls that day, and they really didn't stop. 

Andrew told Beth that mom and dad were together at the hospital, and that mom had to be taken to a consultation room for privacy, because she was "inconsolable".

Laura and I drove to the hospital together, and as we pulled in, there was Dad outside of the Emergency Room doors, playing hide & seek with Zoey.

Oh, my heart just exploded in emotions. It was a storm I couldn't calm from within, no matter how I tried.

I can't write my feelings for my mom and dad today. 

My heart has had enough for now.

About an hour or so later, we followed a nurse through the ER, and as I walked, I saw so many people in these rooms. Lights were on, it was busy-

Then the nurse stopped. 

We stood outside the only room with closed doors, lights off, and curtains closed.

As we walked in, all I could hear were sniffles inside.

Keisha was holding Zayley and my heart just couldn't bare another second of this.

I just absolutely lost it. 

A mother should not ever have to endure that kind of pain. 

My brother was sitting in a chair next to Keisha, and didn't lift his head once.

She let me hold the baby, and as I carefully wrapped my arms around Zayley, I was overcome with a feeling of sacredness. Like I was literally holding a piece of heaven.

I studied her eyes, ran my fingers through her soft hair, and stared at her little baby toes.

Through tears, and hopes that I would take in every special moment that I held her, I finally handed her off to Beth. 

I was so grateful we got that experience. 

I was grateful Michael and Keisha got some time alone with her that morning, and that they were willing to let us in on those moments. I will cherish them as long as I live.

I don't know what is in store for the rest of this week, but I imagine it'll be full of emotion, family, and hopefully peace. Our Auntie Rama is coming tonight from Australia.

I've understood for a long time the afterlife. Heaven.

One thing I would like to come to understand is why some go there so soon. That's wonderful some believe we all have a time and place. I remember when Megan passed away, I kept asking why. Not necessarily for an answer, but my dad finally said to me,

"We all came to this earth equipped to do one particular thing. We all have something unique about us, and when that job is needed in heaven, you will go."

So that is honestly what I've leaned on. I wonder what Zayley was equipped with. I wonder what special task is hers in heaven, and I wonder how much time she spends 

watching over her mom and dad. Zoey, and maybe even Serina & Raigen. 

Death is hard. I think I said that when my Grandma passed away last month. 

In October of 2013, Thomas S. Monson said during General Conference:

The difficulties which come to us, present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above their challenges. To finish, involves enduring to the very end of life itself.

Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."